Photo TR: Hueco Tanks, or...

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Burns

Trad climber
Nowhere special
Topic Author's Original Post - Jan 30, 2007 - 11:51am PT
My travels among the indigenous Mattress People of the Rio Grande Valley.

Last week I left my job in DC and hit the road for a new life in Denver. If DC is good for anything, its people watching, and I have begun to think of myself as a amateur anthropologist. I decided that during my short break between jobs, I would travel some and do an anthropological study, perhaps study something new and make a contribution to the field. I had heard rumors of a rare and endangered culture of Mattress People living in the Rio Grande Valley in West Texas. So I packed up my car and hit the road.

Only 12 more hours from here.....

I made first contact with the Mattress People on Wednesday night and convinced them to take me to their holy land, a place they call "Way-co", although the signs all said "Hueco Tanks State Park". The importance of this land to the Mattress People is clear by the restrictions placed on entering it. In order to reach the more important mountains, one must be escorted by a high ranking Mattress Person. Here's the Mattress Person that guided me.

Based on the size of his mattress, I can only assume he's a high chief.

We spent our first day on North Mountain, where I first observed their habit of hanging from the underside of rocks. I found this to be odd, as often they would crouch down to get under the rocks and crawl as far back as they could go before hanging from the underside, and with great effort, working their way back out to where the were standing earlier.

When we were hanging from this one, my guide kept saying: No One Here Gets Out Alive but we all survived just fine.

After that, I decided to actually climb to the top of something.

That was fun, but from an anthropological study standpoint, I really needed to spend some more time immersing myself in the regular practices of the people I was studying.

In this case, it was referred to as 100 Proof Roof. Although I could see the roof, there was no booze to be found. For some reason though, when climbing on this particular piece of rock, the world became sepia toned. I found that to be quite bizarre, so with some regret, I insisted that we move on.

The next day it rained, which forced the mattress people into an odd dormant cycle, where they stayed in thier homes and did very little. Their time was generally spent inspecting their hands, not grooming, and on occaison, drinking beer.

The following two days were spectacular, mid 50's and sunny.

As a result, many more Mattress People joined us.

We tried some more of the very difficult upside-downy things that we found in caves where I gather the ancestors of the Mattress People used to live. The Mattress People seemed to have an obsession with blenders, I can only surmise that this is simply a modern version of the depressions their ancestors made when grinding grains. This particular cave had no depressions like that, but was still referred to as Alf in a Blender.

I had a lot of trouble, and paid dearly for my failures by falling 18 inches to the ground.

This native Mattress Man had far less trouble and in fact made it all the way to the outside of the cave before stepping off and swearing a lot.

This guy was trying so had his eyeballs nearly popped out.

I did manage to climb more tall things too, where the consequence of failure was a bit more than 18 inches.

Getting down was also challenging.

Sometimes it was challenging even if you didn't have to hang upside down from stuff. In this case, the hand and footholds were Slim Pickens at best. I managed to avoid leaving a streak of skin and clothing shreds on this one.

This native Mattress Person was given the title of "Lurp", apparently due to his great height and very large wingspan.

When asked about his unusual height relative to the other Mattress People, he looked down at me and said You'd Better Eat Your Wheaties. I told him that, regrettably, I had just bought a box of Kashi, but I would certainly get Wheaties next time.

I was beginning to get the feel for the very steep things they were doing, and tried a few myself that I was able to meet with success on, which earned me the approval of the Mattress People.

This one was called That Hi-Pro-Glow, but after cratering several times before succeeding, I did not feel like much of a pro.

Despite the fatigue and hands that looked like I had been carrying around a belt sander by the wrong end, I really started to feel connected to the Mattress People and their home.

It was as if I had truly discovered a New Religion.

I took one last shot of the West Mountain and waved goodbye to Hueco Tanks. I left the Mattress People with many thanks and a promise to return. Perhaps after doing about 10,000 crunches to get fit for all this steep foolishness. I'll start tomorrow...
L

climber
The City of Lost Angels
Jan 30, 2007 - 12:03pm PT
Burns--Hilarious TR! Great photos, too. You'd better write a book.
Russ Walling

Social climber
Out on the sand, Man.....
Jan 30, 2007 - 12:05pm PT
Muy Bueno!
TKingsbury

Trad climber
MT
Jan 30, 2007 - 12:17pm PT
Very nice read.

I'm smiling over here...
handsome B

Gym climber
SL,UT
Jan 30, 2007 - 12:25pm PT
Great Work!
Blowboarder

Boulder climber
Back in the mix
Jan 30, 2007 - 12:25pm PT
Good stuff.
Crimpergirl

Social climber
St. Looney
Jan 30, 2007 - 01:34pm PT
Loved it! Makes me all the more sad that I couldn't blow off my job and meet you at T-wall on your way. I'll have to go west to climb with you now!
b_k

climber
Jan 30, 2007 - 01:43pm PT
that had to be the dumbest thing i've read in a long time
yo

climber
The Eye of the Snail
Jan 30, 2007 - 01:49pm PT
Interesting specimens.

In the name of Ed Hartouni...I bump this thread!
Hootervillian

climber
the Hooterville World-Guardian
Jan 30, 2007 - 02:15pm PT
i liked it.


ps. anyone know if the devil's butthole is still on?
James

climber
A tent in the redwoods
Jan 30, 2007 - 02:30pm PT
Good trip report man. In December I traveled with the Texas pad people. Though many were 'Merican by birth and Texan by the grace of Gawd, they were cool. Hueco is a fun place. The photos are nice. Good job on Hi-Pro Glow.
Tahoe climber

Trad climber
a dark-green forester out west
Jan 30, 2007 - 04:10pm PT
Very awesome TR.
More of these are welcome anytime.
Thanks.
-Aaron
bvb

Social climber
flagstaff arizona
Jan 30, 2007 - 07:07pm PT
dude, you are getting seriously dissed over at b.com. better go over there and defend your honor.
Burns

Trad climber
Nowhere special
Topic Author's Reply - Jan 30, 2007 - 07:40pm PT
what is b.com?

admittedly a cheesy and goofy TR, it certainly wasn't meant to be serious. But how do you write a TR for a bouldering trip? Unless the people reading it have done the problems I'm talking about, nobody will be able to make any sense of it and it will make a pretty boring TR. Figured I'd probably get some sh*t for posting a bouldering TR on a bigwalls forum anyway. Oh well, in a day or two all the people I wanted to see the pics will have seen them and I'll just nuke the thread.
WBraun

climber
Jan 30, 2007 - 08:57pm PT
Burns said: "But how do you write a TR for a bouldering trip?"

You did a good job, I enjoyed it, thanks man.

Edit; I went out there years ago and never had a clue to what I did or what we were climbing.
Blowboarder

Boulder climber
Back in the mix
Jan 30, 2007 - 09:33pm PT
"what is b.com?"

Human choss distilled into 100 proof hate.
Heyzeus

climber
Hollywood,Ca
Jan 30, 2007 - 09:50pm PT
Loved it, thanks.
R.I.P. Pete.
blackbird

Trad climber
over yonder en th' holler
Jan 30, 2007 - 10:07pm PT
TOO funny!! Great pics and fantastic TR; thanks!!

BB
426

Sport climber
Buzzard Point, TN
Jan 31, 2007 - 10:00am PT
Nice, a new religion even.
Zander

Trad climber
Berkeley
Jan 31, 2007 - 10:51am PT
Nice report. You must be careful about the Mattress religion. Sometime people get brainwashed and give up all thier belongings, even thier rack and rope!
Messages 1 - 20 of total 29 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
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