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skywalker1
Trad climber
co
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Topic Author's Original Post - May 23, 2018 - 11:25am PT
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I’ve been warming to the newish “Prairie Home Companion” now titled “Live from Here”. Tom Papa, a consistent contributing writer/comic has had me thinking about funny stories and funny thoughts I have about personal experiences over the years. His are more general but being a climber I’ve been thinking about his monologues from a climbing perspective. If you don't know him here is a sample you can watch before reading my musing.
[Click to View YouTube Video]
I’m no writer but I think it’s good to practice. So using his format, the "theivery" I will share a few low hanging fruits of my own, hopefully some will add their’s or maybe at least smile for a moment…
Being a climber I always strive for being efficient in movement and focused on my footwork, much like a ballet dancer preforming the Nutcracker, or maybe a boxer. No “foot scratching” as they say, and I remember watching those Masters of Stone Videos over and over. I strive to place my gear quickly and first try, like a seasoned mechanic that can tell the difference between a 10 or 11 mil nut and can produce a socket from their tool box instantly. True mastery. One day I went up to onsight my new project confident I had mastered this art. And I told my partner this and anyone else within earshot. But that day it didn’t happen and my partner, gave me the feedback I truly needed. After placing an otherwise bomber cam have you ever then made two barely vertical moves only to stop and placed a sh#tty tiny stopper with your arms bent?....I have.
Not long after that endeavor I pulled up my boot straps as they say and agreed to do a wall with a friend. We have both done a few, some together and enjoyed the life off the ground for a few days. Zion was the destination. It was Spring Break, but not yet spring. Our drive down was snowy and snow plows were hard at work. As we drove south through the lonelier parts of I15 my partner rolled a joint and fired it up. He was a geography major, so I figured I didn’t need to point out which state we were in. Not long after, a snowplow coming from the opposite direction was driving so fast the snow was going up and over the median and landing on the south bound lane and I had nowhere go. Have you ever been faced with a situation of extreme absurdity, with time to think about the consequences to you that might come about? I have…
So we broke through the wall of snow and debris. We had lost the driver side windshield wiper but somehow the windshield was still intact, although we couldn’t see through it. My now stoned partner became my wing man and he stuck his head out the window like my dog does and starts yelling instructions into a 50 mph wind. Gestures helped get me over, why he kept yelling is beyond me. Have you ever been in a situation where you had to stay calm while others were yelling things that didn’t help the situation and may in fact lead to your demise? I have…
We cleared the snow and limped to a truck stop where I could change my underwear and my partner could buy a big bag of Ruffles. I did an inspection and it turned out that snow wall had blown one of the headlights clear into the engine compartment as well as losing the windshield wiper. I bought a new wiper but the headlamp needed more than a bulb. My partner, shoveling down potato chips asks me, so whata ya think? Have you ever been asked a question where you try to come up with an answer but simply answering the question is dumber than the question itself? I have…
Zion was 2hrs away, ETA around dusk so off we went. We arrive in Springdale right at dusk and so I put on my headlights, as I was driving I was pulled over by the police. My partner is like sh#t man hide the weed! I was like I’m driving you hide the weed! The officer walks up and I produce my documents and yes I’m from Colorado. The officer then asks if I know why he pulled me over. Deciding I will stall this, I ask him if he is Springdale police and briefly say I’ve been on the road for a while. He says yes and a few other things I didn’t quite hear then answers his own question. It’s the headlight. So I try to explain what had happened and he inspects the vehicle and comes back and asks if I have been drinking or if we have any marijuana in the vehicle. I knew the answer to this question. He goes to his car and 5 minutes later returns and gives me a ticket for having a headlight out. Have you ever had to swallow every bit of angst and for at least one time be the grown up your parents always taught you to be for the greater good despite how stupid the situation? I have….
Undeterred we found camp. We picked a steep challenging route, that had quite a bit of exposure. We laid out the gear packed the haul bag and tried to get some sleep before the early morning start. In the morning we were delayed by a tourist who asked us a lot of funny questions but we were polite and the first day started well and we were quickly into the steep terrain. My partner led out this particularly steep traversing pitch, and he made it to the anchor and I followed but given the time and the ledge available below we fixed. I was concerned about the idea of rappelling such a steep and traversing pitch but thought well what would a Stone Master do? And I made it back to the ledge. The next morning it was time to “jug” After clipping my jumars to the rope I then looked up, then down. Have you ever clipped your jumars into a fixed line only to then clip a carabiner to every other hole left…I have.
The wall was a great success and we left Springdale trying to understand why we or I was $100 in the hole, and still a headlight short but whatever. On the way back my partner suggested we do a tower on the way to Colorado since we still had some time. Sure. He insisted that it should have some aid, something about a steepness factor. Sure I said I’m driving so you figure it out. He chose a route seldom done but gets 3/5 stars in a semi remote place. We were successful again but after the 1st rappel we were at a ledge that only had one drilled angle and no way to back it up. Three pitches up still. After negotiating, a roshambo, he went first. I unclipped. Puzzled, he explained I would die of thirst anyway on the ledge and rappelled. Have you ever been faced with the possibility that it might be safer to pull a Honnold but might backfire in the end? I have….
If you read this whole thing I hope you enjoyed it.
Cheers!
S…
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Roadie
Trad climber
moab UT
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May 23, 2018 - 12:12pm PT
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Very enjoyable. Thanks.
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Tarbuster
climber
right here, right now
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May 23, 2018 - 04:09pm PT
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Yes! I have!
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MH2
Boulder climber
Andy Cairns
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May 23, 2018 - 04:29pm PT
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Nicely told, and resonates.
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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May 23, 2018 - 07:49pm PT
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Good tale. And yes, I have....
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thebravecowboy
climber
The Good Places
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May 23, 2018 - 08:25pm PT
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a good tale and a fine tell. thanks for balancing the difference (I's got some politishjt threadsplainin' to do!)
oh yeah, yes, mostly, I have. nice to be part of your club
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