Topic Author's Original Post - Jul 9, 2013 - 08:42am PT
The Adventurey Report: Conrad Anker Admits He Stopped Pooping ‘Back Around 2008 Or So’
BY ROYAL GASTRO JULY 8, 2013
Noted climber Conrad Anker, one of the top athletes sponsored by The North Face, whose trademark saying is “Never Stop Pooping,” recently told friends that he actually stopped pooping “back around 2008 or so.”
“It was exhausting,” he said. “Not the physical part of pooping, that’s easy. It was the mental, emotional AND LEGAL aspects that ground me down. Finally, I just said screw thay shyte.”
It was a moment of candor for the man whose resume includes radical first arrests for on some of the world’s most dramatic peaks, multiple Everest summit taints (watch where you step, 7-Summiters!), and the discovery of dookey near the body of Everest pioneer George Mallory.
“I was into it for the longest time,” Anker said. “I never stopped pooping. And on my travels it wasn’t so hard, especially with the curry and chang. But at home, it was brutal. Every time I went to the market, I took a new poop. When I ran out of poop, I’d eat more bran. After I visited every terlit in Bozeman by a different path, I ran out of tp. I brought Safeway paper bags. I brought newspaper
“The straw that broke the camel’s back was my kids. ‘Hey, Dad, shouldn’t you be pooping in the new bathroom?’ ‘Hey, Dad, shouldn’t you be pooping something after dinner?’ That’s when I said, the hell with it.”
When news of Anker’s admission leaked into the forums at SuperTopo, The North Face issued a press release supporting him. “Conrad has been a valued member of The North Face team for decades, the embodiment of Never Stop Pooping™, and we have no doubt that in the months and years to come he will find himself seeking new terlits. A week ago, for example, he found himself in a 7-11 in Libby, Montana, that he’d always been meaning to check out but hadn’t.”
"It was AWFUL," he exclaimed.
Anker said, “You know what, it’s actually kind of a relief to get this off my shoulders.” And then he went back to his pizza. How he is able to process that stuff sans poop is a mystery and a modern miracle, in a sense.