Tazer Story - It wasn't me!

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Plaidman

Trad climber
South Slope of Mt. Tabor, Portland, Oregon, USA
Topic Author's Original Post - Apr 23, 2013 - 11:40am PT
My wife shared this with me. Funny beyond words. I could ALMOST see myself doing this. I am always testing stuff. But electricity I don't mess with.
Here is the story:

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Plaid
Mark Hudon

Trad climber
Hood River, OR
Apr 23, 2013 - 12:03pm PT
Oh God! I laughed out loud through that whole thing!
Alpamayo

Trad climber
Chapel Hill, NC
Apr 23, 2013 - 12:11pm PT
When I was in college, a friend of mine who was often more than a little inebriated pondered what it'd be like to taze himself. A bunch of us said we'd chip into the hat to see that happen. We took a collection and came up with a couple hundred dollars...and he did it! Funny sh#t that was.
moosedrool

climber
Stair climber, lost, far away from Poland
Apr 23, 2013 - 12:21pm PT
LOL

Absolutely hilarious!!!
hillrat

Trad climber
reno, nv
Apr 26, 2013 - 10:50am PT
failed video link. damn
Ron Anderson

Trad climber
Soon to be Nipple suckling Liberal
Apr 26, 2013 - 10:53am PT
BAAAHAHAHAAAA! Nice one Plaid!
Dingus Milktoast

Gym climber
And every fool knows, a dog needs a home, and...
Apr 26, 2013 - 12:18pm PT
That story has the faint stench of bullshit about it.

DMT
mynameismud

climber
backseat
Apr 26, 2013 - 02:26pm PT
This was quite timely, work has been a bit stressful. I really did laugh till I cried. I actually laughed so hard it hurt.
thank you for sharing.
justthemaid

climber
Jim Henson's Basement
Apr 26, 2013 - 02:56pm PT
There's a number of videoed tazer experiments on You Tube. None of them end with an "ouch" BTW. Invariably, the self-tazed ends up out cold, flopping on the floor, getting laughed at by millions.
Gunkie

Trad climber
East Coast US
Apr 26, 2013 - 03:12pm PT
Love the story. TFPU.

I used to work for the father of Tazer International's CEO, Rick (Patrick) Smith. Anyway, every Tazer employee is expected to get 'tazed' at one point or another. Apparently one employee, a somewhat overweight and tall guy, took his tazing right next to some cubicles in the office. Well, he went down... into the closest cubical wall; his 'spotters' expecting him to drift the other way. He took out the entire row of cubical walls in one incredibly deft motion.

Tazers are fun, I guess.
hillrat

Trad climber
reno, nv
Apr 28, 2013 - 12:54am PT
fixed it.
T H

Boulder climber
bouldering
Apr 28, 2013 - 01:15am PT
That story has the faint stench of bullshit about it.
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