Funniest Amazon Customer Review EVER (OT)

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matisse

climber
Topic Author's Original Post - Oct 9, 2012 - 05:07pm PT
OMG can't breathe...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_db_cm_cr_acr_txt/277-0894477-0126766?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
Riley Wyna

Trad climber
A crack near you
Oct 9, 2012 - 05:24pm PT
My wiener and beans are smoking just thinking about it - but if I can buff my boys up to a chrome like shine it might be worth it!
locker

Gym climber
DUH!!!...
Oct 9, 2012 - 05:28pm PT

It IS some pretty fuking FUNNY reading...

Example:

"However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children."...

LOL!!!...
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Oct 9, 2012 - 05:35pm PT
Heidi & I laughed until we cried on this review.

633 of 642 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Oh the shame...., 3 July 2012

By A. Chappell (Denmark) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME) This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:) Help other customers find the most helpful reviews

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Comment Comments (138)
t*r

Mountain climber
alis volat propriis
Oct 9, 2012 - 05:41pm PT
i thought the reviews for the bic-for-her pen were the funniest!


"how many thoughts do you think i have in my pretty pretty head?"



http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B004FTGJUW/ref=cm_cr_pr_btm_link_43?ie=UTF8&pageNumber=43&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending
TGT

Social climber
So Cal
Oct 9, 2012 - 06:23pm PT
Excellent product. Most prisoners confessed within five minutes of the first application. Can recommend.

Yours,
Ali Muhabarakah,
Secret Police, Damascus
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Oct 9, 2012 - 07:50pm PT
Weeping Jesus! I read more reviews!


On the positive side i can report the following unexpected benefits:
 My pain threshold has almost trebled
 I can now pass urine in 3 positions: standing, sitting and curled in a ball weeping.
 using a shammy leather and some wax I was able to polish up my ballbag enough to act as a signal for passing ships, saving me from certain starvation one time when i was stuck on a desert island.

It is due only to point 3 that this product gets 5 stars.




Love that British humour: in spite of "adverse-conditions!"
JMC

climber
the swamp
Oct 9, 2012 - 07:57pm PT
I didn't read the instructions because I'm a man.
Rhodo-Router

Gym climber
the secret topout on the Chockstone Chimney
Oct 9, 2012 - 08:38pm PT
I am crying. 5 stars*
T Moses

Social climber
Paso Robles
Oct 9, 2012 - 10:09pm PT
WOW! Teary eyed and trying to catch my breath.

The brits sure have a thing for euphemisms!
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Oct 9, 2012 - 10:47pm PT
More coverage:

http://www.supertopo.com/climbers-forum/1878017/YOU-MAY-BE-IN-MORTAL-DANGER-READ-THIS
tornado

climber
lawrence kansas
Oct 9, 2012 - 11:04pm PT
What about the Vs. across from it that states "my gentleman's log cabin"? WTF is that? Sounds like a beer gut that covers your wang. We used to call it a dick doo. Both are some funny shit!
briham89

Big Wall climber
los gatos. ca
Oct 9, 2012 - 11:31pm PT
Normally I don't really like OT post, but this is awesome...I'm cracking up
wstmrnclmr

Trad climber
Bolinas, CA
Oct 9, 2012 - 11:40pm PT
Bumpahahahaha
limpingcrab

Trad climber
the middle of CA
Oct 10, 2012 - 12:02am PT
I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting

favorite part, but it made me look stupid laughing so hard at my computer
Silver

Ice climber
Oct 10, 2012 - 12:19pm PT
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

Thanks for the post I needed a laugh like this today.

neversummer

Trad climber
30 mins. from suicide USA
Oct 10, 2012 - 01:33pm PT
Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.


At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting


Thanks for the laughs...seriously.
MissJ

Social climber
Oct 10, 2012 - 03:51pm PT
Ohhhhh, Noooooo! LMAO.
matisse

climber
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 10, 2012 - 10:42pm PT
As the gel started to sizzle and wisps of smoke started rising I knew that the pain I was feeling now would be as nothing compared to what was coming. It wasn't. Trying to find the words to describe it is difficult but imagine, if you can, having your scrotum industrially sandblasted from a distance of about a foot with broken glass mixed with acid and salt. Here


Snicker
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