YOU MAY BE IN MORTAL DANGER - READ THIS

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Messages 1 - 20 of total 28 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
Blakey

Trad climber
Newcastle UK
Topic Author's Original Post - Jul 14, 2012 - 04:23pm PT
Okay,

So you're back from a trip up the big stone, feelin studly, pleased with yourself, and way cool. You head home, back on familiar ground you think you're safe. Well buddy you ain't! Danger lurks in the most unsuspecting places and is just waiting for you to drop your guard........................ Read dis an do you and your homies a big fava!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1"]http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
apogee

climber
Technically expert, safe belayer, can lead if easy
Jul 14, 2012 - 04:27pm PT
DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS
24 Jan 2012
By Andrew
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.


Classic!
nature

climber
SoSlo, CO
Jul 14, 2012 - 04:33pm PT
after Roxjox cursed me I made the same mistake.

It's a mess... a total mess.


Tattoo aside.
Shack

Big Wall climber
Reno NV
Jul 14, 2012 - 04:35pm PT

5.0 out of 5 stars Good results at first interrogation, 25 April 2012
By Mr. H. A. Outhwaite - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Excellent product. Most prisoners confessed within five minutes of the first application. Can recommend.

Yours,
Ali Muhabarakah,
Secret Police, Damascus

Fricken hilarious...

and this guy even wrote a poem about it...

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Sergeant slaughter and his two lovely daughters
Do get the occasional trim.
New bird on the stage, nearly half my age
My purchase a bit of a whim

The instruction book did not get a look
I thought I knew how to use Veet
Whipped out my tower, whilst stood in the shower
Spreading it liberally all over my meat

I flipped off the cap, lifted up the old chap
Pushing the limits i'm sure
I wanted to groom in the valley of doom
Now my starfish is bleeding and raw

I tried to keep calm washing off the napalm
Leaving me all of a fluster
You could boil a small lake or cook a big steak
With the heat from my genital cluster.

Less grass on the wicked, but all's still not cricket
It does add an inch or two
A full week past, how long will it last?
Still unable to sit, stand or poo.

You may well cry but tears will dry,
Leaving balls as smooth as jam jars,
My slong looks huge, still no sign of pubes
So i'm happy to award it 5 stars
ontheedgeandscaredtodeath

Trad climber
San Francisco, Ca
Jul 14, 2012 - 04:51pm PT
So funny! I shall henceforth always go to amazon.uk for product reviews!
Blakey

Trad climber
Newcastle UK
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 14, 2012 - 05:00pm PT
As a mid-20s relatively athletic male, but with very dark hair and surface coverage of this to rival a Wookie from Star Wars, I understand the supposed importance of baby smooth skin and properly trimmed hair on the dating scene. I have previously tried trimming, shaving and waxing various areas of my body to no real long term avail, and so was very intrigued when I heard about Veet hair removal creme and decided to try it at the first possibly opportunity.

Having bought this in a shop and not online, I did not have the opportunity to read other people's reviews of this product, and so upon glancing briefly at the instructions when I opened it assumed that the instruction not to apply to ones nether-regions was just being overly cautious. In fact this seemed to be almost a challenge, and being blessed with hair so long you could plait it 8 weeks after its cut fighting to escape my crack this seemed to be a fantastic idea, not to mention the added length I could gain round the front.

With this impeccable logic in place, the first thing I did was to ignore the warning and liberally coat my gentleman's fruit basket and crevice with the creme and wait for the desired effect. After 4 minutes however I realised, in part, the beginning implications of my mistake. It felt as though fire ants had taken up residence in the area and were now at war, and I had tears of agony rolling down my face. At 5 minutes it felt like I had painted my scrotum in a mixture of meat juice and napalm and then dipped them lovingly into a ravenous piranha tank, and by 5 minutes 58 seconds I was positively deranged and on the verge of blacking out.

As an additional note to anybody who wants to use this crème, it should be strongly advised to only use it when next to the shower. You may find otherwise, like I did, that someone else, with impeccable timing, will decide to use the bathroom at this critical time and force you to take alternative drastic action.

In this particular case 13 seconds after the 6 minute mark I was sitting navel deep in a steamy, watery soup of foam, suds, smouldering flesh, and gravy, with my feet on the draining board and my then girlfriend screaming dementedly at me. Apparently charging wildly into the kitchen whilst bellowing at the top of your voice like a mountain gorilla with its toe caught in a mousetrap, and then cannonballing arse first into the sink whilst your girlfriend is doing the washing up is considered inappropriate behaviour, and can be quite disquieting for a poor girl. She did later however admit she was impressed with the polished red hue my rear iris was emitting as it flashed past her vision like a marine distress flare on the back of a speeding truck.

This experience however has taught me 3 sure things in life:
1. God and the universe has a sense of humour
2. Instructions should always be followed, and not regarded as a challenge
3. If you want your plums, tadger and canyon to be smoother than a greased billiard ball, but twice the size, luminous red and 5 times more sensitive use this crème without listening to point 2.

I am giving this product 4 out of 5 stars, as whilst it does do exactly what is says on the cover, (and more), I am docking it 1 star as the girlfriend and love-spuds I once knew and treasured have all but disappeared, and for the first 2 days after I could not sit down without screaming.
nutjob

Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
Jul 14, 2012 - 05:04pm PT
Maybe this story should be in the "onsights gone wrong" thread.
froodish

Social climber
Portland, Oregon
Jul 14, 2012 - 05:17pm PT
I love it when the street finds its own uses for things :-)

The mother of all Amazon reviews:

Tuscan Whole Milk
nature

climber
SoSlo, CO
Jul 14, 2012 - 05:25pm PT
nutjob +1

lmao!
Vegasclimber

Trad climber
Las Vegas, NV.
Jul 14, 2012 - 05:52pm PT
OT Marmot sez "Now I have a tummy ache..."
OT Marmot sez "Now I have a tummy ache..."
Credit: Vegasclimber

Hey look, it's....Off Topic Marmot! He's tired from being so busy lately. Ha...
Blakey

Trad climber
Newcastle UK
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 14, 2012 - 06:30pm PT
This is what happened when my Marmot read this topic.........

Some shite taxidermist
Some shite taxidermist
Credit: Blakey

zBrown

Ice climber
chingadero de chula vista
Jul 14, 2012 - 06:36pm PT
OK I read it. Am I still in danger?
Blakey

Trad climber
Newcastle UK
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 14, 2012 - 06:52pm PT
You'll be fine, but don't buy one of these....

http://www.amazon.com/JL421-Badonkadonk-Land-Cruiser-Tank/dp/B00067F1CE/ref=cm_lmf_tit_4[/url]
Sierra Ledge Rat

Mountain climber
Old and Broken Down in Appalachia
Jul 14, 2012 - 07:37pm PT
^^^^^

"Currently unavailable.
We don't know when or if this item will be back in stock."

Damn!
The Call Of K2 Lou

climber
Squamish
Jul 14, 2012 - 07:49pm PT
Ah yes, in manscaping, as in life, there are no shortcuts.
The best thing to do is simply work hard and never give up... until, uhh... your pubes are gone, I guess...?
The user formerly known as stzzo

climber
Sneaking up behind you
Jul 14, 2012 - 11:47pm PT
YER GUNNA DIE!!!

I can't believe no one has said it...

I don't come home from the rock feelin' studly and way cool. Do I get an exemption?

Mostly, I just come home feelin' blissful after a day of flirtin' with Lady Danger.
Silver

Gym climber
Jul 15, 2012 - 12:13am PT
Hair don't grow on steel.
nature

climber
SoSlo, CO
Jul 15, 2012 - 12:14am PT
stzzo +1
zBrown

Ice climber
chingadero de chula vista
Jul 15, 2012 - 12:18am PT
This looks like a mighty fine product to me. Snake-proof, bear-proof, cougar-proof.

I wonder if there's a hybrid model.


Captain...or Skully

climber
Jul 15, 2012 - 12:32am PT
Dude, it's a Dalek.
Yer Still gonna die.
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