Homo Climbtastic returns to W. Virginia, July 2012. Hizzy!


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Alex Rowland

Sport climber
Atlanta, GA
Topic Author's Original Post - Jan 21, 2012 - 06:26pm PT
Every year, for the last three years, I've posted about attending the July Homo Climbtastic climbing convention in West Virginia. And to date, none of you losers have shown up.

I just don't know what to do that I haven't already done. What limits have I placed on Homo Climbtastic's largesse? Do I need to promise bajowskis? I've already given plenty of those! And my hands are way too calloused for HJ's! I can't even pleasure myself without lotion!

We get people from lots of other places. We have people posting photos and whatnot on RockClimbing.com and 8a. But Supertopo eludes us, like some last bastion of west coasters terrified of feeling their hands peel off east coast crimpers.

Not that we haven't gotten bigger each year, we're projecting a 100 for this year, over last year's 80. Our size is even forcing us to give up on any sort of costume contest.

So I need some ideas here for what will prompt some of you at Supertopo to click over to http://homoclimbtastic.com and read our blog and maybe sign up for our 2012 July 26-29 climbing convention in the New River Gorge, West Virginia.

I'm listening. I could... host a debate about your personal struggles obtaining incandescent bulbs! Stage a mud wrestling match to decide, once and for all, the ethics of route chopping! And bears! There was an 836 post thread about when it's ok to shoot bears. Our bears would never charge you, much less consider eating your face. Our bears are much more polite. They abide by Southern hospitality, and the first rule of Southern hospitality is don't eat someone's face, unless they're already dead, in which case, bread on the left, drink on the right.

Because, I want you to actually come. I want more than just a flame war involving what's-his-face saying something about us not being welcome WHEN I COME FROM THA DAMN SOUTH, WHERE OUR POLICY IS TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN. He probably drives a Nissan Leaf in Northern California and drinks Meeeeerrlooot. Are you even allowed to own guns there? Do you have to take down the bears with a well timed sequence of BB's? (First step: blind them. Second step: parry them for miles through the woods and hope they get hit by a car.)

True, the flame war is nice, which is why I'm taunting what's his face d-bag so he'll keep bumping my advertisement. I forgot his name though. Too lazy to look it up.

But to reiterate what we are, and what we do, we're Homo Climbtastic, and we throw a yearly queer-friendly climbing convention, which means you primarily just gotta be friendly. You don't have to suck c*#k like a well packed blunt (if you're a dude) or be a scissoring expert. Maybe you're just... moderately skilled at scissoring. You can be anything. And contrary to rumor, we don't ALL own guns, so you Californians won't feel out of place. Just don't play with anything shiny that isn't climbing equipment.

We do hope to hear from you soon over at HC. Or that buried in here is some inane, yet intensely controversial topic that will keep this thread at the top of the pile until the end of time.

To that end, Newt Gingrich is a poopy-head.

Best wishes,
Alex Rowland

Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
Jan 21, 2012 - 06:46pm PT
Good luck Alex et al. Looking forward to this year's TR. I'm grounded so I won't be there. :/

Kennewick wa
Jan 21, 2012 - 06:51pm PT
Homo say what?

Trad climber
Josh, CA
Jan 21, 2012 - 07:19pm PT
I think it's great. Good for you guys. Well wishes for a successful event.

Jim Henson's Basement
Jan 21, 2012 - 09:38pm PT
If I hadn't blown my vacation time already on Potrero Chico I'd totally be in. Mebbe next year :(

Great post BTW. LOL
Russ Walling

Gym climber
Poofter's Froth, Wyoming
Jan 21, 2012 - 11:24pm PT
I'd be so there if I could only get my latency under control. How do I get one of them there Tshirts with the frikken goats!

Jan 21, 2012 - 11:33pm PT
west coasters terrified of feeling their hands peel off east coast crimpers

Guilty as charged. Well, that and work ... and the fact that I grew up back east, and after moving west I just have no desire to return.

I have been to WV though, back when I lived in western PA. Some great country there. I remember one time hitching a ride after my motorcycle broke down late at night. Dude's pickup truck bed was filled with empties .. his excuse was "hard to teach an old dog new tricks". Good times :)

Jan 22, 2012 - 12:27am PT
Our bears would never charge you, much less consider eating your face.

One of my most upsetting & horrific memories of going to the new is seeing some toothless hillbilly parading around a young black bear carcass at some gas station en route to Cathedral Café. Ruined my day.

and the fact that I grew up back east, and after moving west I just have no desire to return.

Ditto, except for a few things in NH I that may justify me getting off the left coast for.

This invite reminds me of what a comedienne & LGBT rights supporter once said: "It's not the heat, it's the humidity, and it's not the hate, it's the stupidity.

If you can stick to that sandstone/limestone/conglomerate/shale stuff in a zillion% humidity, more power to ya!

Nevertheless, have fun at your shindig. There's a few E coasters that troll the taco so perhaps your post may generate a few more participants. Have fun perhaps we'll see a TR.

Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Jan 22, 2012 - 10:05am PT
Is this for real?

Fayetteville is just down the road from me. I spend my summers kayaking on the New River and the Gauley River.

July is a rough time to be climbing in the NRG, the humidity is out of this world. You can wave to me, I'll be down on the river enjoying the water and staying out of the heat.

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Jan 22, 2012 - 12:28pm PT
Hey, Alex, thanks for the invite. We ain't all Meerloh drinkers out here
and many of us wud really like to come but to the NRG? What's that, the
New Republican Gorge or sumpin'? If so I'm down with that! But it is an
awful long ways back there and I don't do humidity well.

Bubba Reilly

Yeah, I just tie in to my chest harness during the day.

Trad climber
Millbrae, CA
Jan 22, 2012 - 01:00pm PT
Oh man, Alex, it just sounds like the greatest, most funnest event ever.
But West Virginia is still pretty far east.
And in July?
Don't they have a thing called humidity back there?

But I do look forward to up to the minute reportage, please.
Alex Rowland

Sport climber
Atlanta, GA
Topic Author's Reply - Jan 24, 2012 - 02:35pm PT
I've got it! We're going to have a lube wrestling contest. Nothing makes a summer evening better than lube wrestling!

Social climber
Joshua Tree
Jan 24, 2012 - 02:41pm PT
I just don't know what to do that I haven't already done.

Move it to a time when it's not 98% humidity and hot as the surface of the sun? July and the New just don't mix. If you moved it to say, late Sept, that would be fabulous. Tootles.

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Jan 24, 2012 - 05:09pm PT
You crack me up, Alex. Your trip reports rock and you guys sound like you you have way more fun than any of us! Deal is, you're way too out there, geographically. 3000 miles is a long drive for a party.

Maybe you could meet us part way, maybe an August Vedawuoo event?

....I'm sure they could make you a 'Limp Dick' Rox.

May 30, 2012 - 05:51pm PT

There are only a finite number of days left to RSVP.

Trad climber
mt. hood /baja
May 30, 2012 - 06:03pm PT
Cosmic .... that is a funny pic ....genius

Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
May 30, 2012 - 06:16pm PT
You hit the nail on the head....nobody out here has the finger strength to hang onto those crimpers in that bullet proof sandstone, especially in that humidity. July......I can't even imagine it.
Ask Cosmic, he loves the heat in Las Vegas, just don't tell him about the humidity.
You probably don't need any lubricants for apres climb.
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